Thursday, January 04, 2007

牛奶之戀

宿舍裡的牛奶向來全都是脫脂奶,雖說是健康,但毫無口感可言。

用了脫脂奶,意大利咖啡上的泡少了一點,蛋糕硬了一點,奶茶淡了一點,就連早上的胃口少了一點。

於是,大概就是十月,我和艾莉就進行了一個復古革命──我們在黃頁內找了個牛奶公司的電話,簽了一個維期一年由牛奶人(英文是Milkman,我知我譯得怪了一點,但無選擇。)送牛奶的服務,而我們每朝收到的是兩枝入在八十年代牛奶樽的全脂奶。

全脂奶真的好好好滋味,完全的把粟米片的香帶了出來;有時和艾莉在廚房碰見一些一起吃早餐的同學,見他們一副睡相,食而無味,就覺得他們遲早會把入在紙盒裡的脫脂奶跟洗潔精搞亂。

就是這樣,全脂奶把我和艾莉的靈魂喚了回來,而早上起床的時間,更變得愈來愈早。

有時,我們甚至穿著睡衣(我穿的當然是狂野的汗衫短褲。)在門口等牛奶人。

久而久次,我們發覺每一個月裡的第一和第三個禮拜,都是由一個二十一二歲,性感得很,樣子酷似澳洲影星Adam Garcia的男生送牛奶。而艾莉每次也目不轉睛的盯著他(我也是),難怪的,他的眼睛和嘴唇實在收買人命。

終於有一次,這個Adam Garcia牛奶人穿了一條蘇格蘭裙來。

那時,我們一樣照舊的坐在宿舍門前的樓梯,看著他下車把牛奶拿過來;而他下車時,裙子竟然給座位勾住掀起了!

「我的天!你看不看到?他的屁股很結實呀!」

去他的。請艾莉小聲一點!人家就在一路對面。

「控制自己呀,婊子!」當時我都想尖叫,可惜這個天賦本能自小學六年級退出合唱團就離我而去。

「那麼事實是我真的看到他的屁股嘛!你肯定也看到的!想捏一下嗎?」

拜託她再少聲一點。

在那天,就是因為艾莉看到Adam Garcia牛奶人的屁股,她跟他展開了一段二十分鐘的對話(我當然聰慧的走回宿舍,然後隱秘的從窗簾後伸出頭來偷看著他們……)。

而經過追問,內容都大概是Adam Garcia的個人資料──

姓名:Darrel Andrew Morrison
年齡:二十三
性別:男(玩野呀?)
現在狀況:半工讀──格拉斯哥藝術學院碩士生/牛奶人/Top Man職員;下午表姐結婚

很好,很好,完全是一個活生生的荀盤,當然,我亦忠告艾莉要把握良機(但始終有難度,人家都已年過二十,還要加三……)。

之後,他們每次見而時都會閒談兩句;而到最近的半個月,我開始不到門前跟艾莉一起等牛奶了,畢竟做人要懂事些,留點私人空間給他們。於是,我由一個等待者變成一個聽眾,每朝早餐都是由艾莉匯報他們的對話內容。有時,無意聽到故事的同桌女性食客,忽然都有個衝動想訂牛奶。

由交換電話到逛街再到看戲,每個情節我都不失,完全是一個忠實聽眾。

直至前日,廣播劇又變回齣有聲有色的電影──在聖誕舞會上艾莉跟的舞伴走近了我跟我打了個招呼,舞伴又說:

「很多謝你們平時買貴公司的牛奶。」

而他就是Adam─Garcia─牛─奶─人!

實在高興得我笑中有淚,祝有情人終成暮熟。

攝下將被遺忘的

記得上次乘火車到了倫敦,玩了七日七夜,都只是在皇十字車站影了一輯相。

就是覺得人愈大,愈不愛攝影;當然,那個是我自己。

去一個地方,我會試試融入其中,而不是跑到老遠,找一個沒人的地方,影一輯相。

有些人到處留影,但待相沖洗出來了的時候,才知道自己到過哪些地方,很諷刺地,又望著相中的自己,感覺陌生。

相中的是自己嗎?應得出自己的樣子,但就是應不出當天的記憶。

有人說,去一個地方,就是要攝影,留注此時此刻;那麼,才不會忘記當天的美好。

我則想,忘記有甚麼不好?那個地方,就是給不了我難忘的片段,記來幹甚麼?要自己記太多無意義的東西,是一個負擔。

美好的東西,都會自動藏到心底去;就像手腕的玉鐲,不是你要除就能除的。

於是,多年之後幾留波折,我的心又再澄明如鏡,剩下你和我之間的一縷回憶。

如果一起五十年

我們今天能夠在一起,就要珍惜,五十年後,我們都老了。

五十年後,你不會再帶我去坐豪華郵輪到加勒比海,我們都抵不起風浪。

我們也不再一起去光顧灣仔的日本料理店,你開始怕吃生冷食物。

於是,我只能陪你去去樓下的冰室買個奶茶,但不能久留,冰室的冷氣太嚇人了。

久而久之,我們漸漸愛到公園閒坐。就坐在樹蔭下,風清月白,我們的話題都不知不覺失去了當天的情調。

我們愛談往事。

當天我的肩膀沒負擔過甚麼,現在,負擔著的是你。你開始愛靠著我睡覺,經常。

說起睡覺,我們很久沒裸睡了,大概十年了,對吧?你現在老是穿睡衣,是真真正正一套套的睡衣。

然後,天未亮,你就起來了。初時我以為你失眠,原來你是去了維園晨操。

亦幸好,你沒有在維園認識落大大聲的那一群,你還是對他們投以厭惡的目光。

今年,你開始不吃我做的蛋糕了;連番質問,你說你有糖尿病。

不說也不覺,最近你也開始常常去尿尿。

此時此刻,你要開始對我好一點,否則,五十年後,我可能不懂怎樣應付你。

論我條命

痛痛快快的揚下的千字,但願不會叫我死得太難看。

這幾日真的忙得不知時日過;怎都好,現在終於終於,可以安心的呼一口氣。

還有,本人最近腦子裡有個故事,整理須時,但大綱和第一章總算寫好了的;有興趣幫我一把的朋友們,請聯絡我吧。

作家夢可成真的嗎?

Behind the Scenes at the Museum – Kate Atkinson

Question: How does the author, Kate Atkinson, of Behind the Scenes at the Museum convey the cruel reality of life through the main protagonist, Ruby Lennox?

I will demonstrate how in the novel Behind the Scenes at the Museum by Kate Atkinson, the author conveys the cruel reality of life through the main protagonist, Ruby Lennox. I will show how the author does this through skilful use of characterisation, key incidents and tone.

No one has a perfect life. Everyone has conflicts that they must face sooner or later, and the way that people deal with their own problems can cause them to change as people. For many reasons, it may be that people grow as they experience life; they change their views. As the main protagonist in Behind the Scenes at the Museum, Ruby Lennox, the youngest girl among four of Berenice’s daughters, also has a few, but quite big, changes in her life; for example, the way that she faces her mother and sisters after she experiences the deaths of a number of her sisters, her pets, and last, but not least, her father. When Ruby is small, her relationship with her mother is not that close, as her mother conceived her grudgingly. At first it does not seem to matter so much to Ruby that she does not receive enough attention, as she does not have the concept of love. However, when she grows up, Ruby gradually realises that she lacks attention and love from her mother. Sometimes Ruby seems to be upset and bewildered, thinking that she hardly really exists in the world due to the fact her mother did not even want her, and then does not offer her much love. She really wants to leave home on several occasions, but because Berenice is the only mother she has, she cannot.

This novel is narrated by the main protagonist. She tells about her own life and her family from when she is still in her mother’s womb to her middle age when her mother dies, and through the key events that happen and the people around her, she changes and the cruel reality of life is revealed.

The author describes that the conception of Ruby by Bunty is what she doesn’t expect and doesn’t want. The day after Ruby is conceived, Bunty visits her grandmother, Nell. During that visit, Bunty encounters a fly and she kills it with a swat. After that, Ruby tells us:

‘A second ago that fly was alive and well, now it’s dead. Yesterday I didn’t exist, now I do. Isn’t life amazing?’

Ruby compares the death of the fly ironically to her existence, which implies that actually she thinks that Bunty feels hideous about her conception, as if it is an annoying fly. This to me, also reflects that her mother feels dissatisfied with her life. According to Ruby’s narration and the footnotes after each chapter, Bunty and her mother, Nell, do not marry a man they really love. They just treat their husbands, George and Frank, as substitutes for their actual lovers.

George and Bunty always have arguments and mistrust each other. George is a flirty man who has affairs with his children’s babysitter, Auntie Doreen, while Bunty always wishes her children were elsewhere and she could go away to somewhere wonderful with her dream lover.

Bunty also experiences the death of her daughter, Gillian, who dies in a traffic accident during Christmas. After Gillian dies, Bunty starts to be neurotic to all the things that the rest of her daughters do, as she is afraid that her daughters will be harmed again.

‘ ‘Can I go upstairs?’ I ask.
‘No, not on your own,’ She says, staring in an abstracted way at the Bob Martin display. This is so illogical it’s not even worth combating – I am nine years old, I have been going upstairs on my own since I could walk. Since Gillian’s death Bunty has been extra-sensitive to the dangers surrounding us – it’s not only fire that we’re under threat from, we are continually reassured of her maternal care for us by the steam of warnings that issue from her mouth – Be careful with that knife! You’ll poke your eye out with that pencil! Hold onto the banister! Watch that umbrella! so that the world appears to be populated by objects intent on attacking us.’

From this long quotation, we can see how Bunty acts against Ruby and Ruby has a lot of grievance against her. Under Bunty’s strict rule, Ruby and Patricia feel that Bunty is harsh as rock and icy which makes them gradually wonder whether Bunty loves them or not.

The adolescence of Patricia is the most irritating period of her life. She is a sensible teenager and cannot bear her family’s detached treatment and has a lot of arguments with her parents. In Chapter 9 Holiday!, I can clearly see how Patricia acts against her mother:

‘When are we going to eat?’ I ask plaintively.
‘Eat?’ Bunty asks in disbelief.
‘Yes, eat,’ Patricia says sarcastically. ‘You know – eat, food, ever heard if it?’

Eventually, she leaves home. After Patricia leaves, this makes a quite big impact on Ruby because she loses the last relative to whom she can express herself.

Ruby has to face this fact and within a family where she experiences little love, she loses her identity in the family, as the quotation shows that she asks herself:

‘I’m fourteen and already I’ve ‘had enough’. Bunty was nearly twice my age before she started saying that. I’m an only child now with all the advantages (money, clothes, records) and all the disadvantages (loneliness, isolation, anguish). I’m all they’ve got left, a ruby solitaire, a kind of chemical reduction off all their children.’

The thought of Ruby shows that how she turns into a solitary girl and she starts to care less about the people who come and go around her, as she lives in her own world.

Here, I see how the manipulation of different characters by the author affects Ruby, and the changes in her own character, which are also shaped by the circumstances of her life, especially the death of Gillian and the disappearance of Patricia.

I can also clearly see how Ruby changes through the tone of the first person narrative employed by the author as she narrates the story. In Chapter Seven Fire! Fire!, a fire at midnight which burns down Ruby’s home and her parents’ pet shop, and it kills most of the pets in the shop. Ruby says:

‘Many things are uncertain but there is one thing we can feel sure about – this morning, the arms of Jesus are very full indeed.’

Ruby uses a sort of black humour to describe the pets that have died in the fire, in term of the comforting things Sunday School teaches and parents could tell children at this time. She gives me the impression that death and disappearance of somebody or something are not so important and sad from Ruby’s point of view; as she has become so detached and numbed by these experiences and loss that she is able to refer to such tragedies in a humorous tone.

However, after Ruby experiences her grandmother, Nell’s, and her dad, George’s, deaths. She begins to change her mind and starts to be worried. She realises that some day her only relative, Bunty, will leave too. In Chapter Ten Wedding Bell, Ruby witnesses George dying of a heart attack during a wedding party and Bunty trying to rescue him. She says,

‘It’s strange to watch her trying to give him the kiss of life – while he was alive I never saw her kissing him and yet here she is, now he’s dead, kissing him with all the passion of a new bride.’

I can see how through this method of narration the author reveals Ruby’s mind, that she is concerned about experiencing the same thing as Bunty has experienced some day. She feels confused that she still cannot figure out whether the people around her are important or not and does not know how to face them.

The life of Ruby seems either just too tedious and insignificant, or things are just not going her way. The way Ruby copes with things with a detached, ironical attitude is sad to me, but this is the only way for her to overcome one more day of her boring life, which is full of bitterness, confusion, depression, false hopes, and the feeling of love which Ruby is trying to express to her mother when she grows up. However, it is too late as Bunty is on the verge of dying. In this way I see how Ruby’s life is linked by a series of cruel realities. However, at the end Ruby manages how to cope with her life and finds herself, as she says:

‘I am alive. I am a precious jewel. I am a drop of blood. I am Ruby Lennox.’

公園裡的純理想

我還記得,小時候第一次到海德公園的片段,那是個很有趣的地方;我總弄不清,人們是怎樣從凌亂的倫敦市中心,劃了一個這樣的公園出來。裡面的樹木,是全倫敦最綠的,那種綠,提起來就有點惘悵,不太自然。

然而,我卻對公園有一份敬畏,我欣賞它的寧靜,它潮濕的味道,它與城市的格格不入。

我偶爾也會幻想,一段段戀情就在古典的林蔭大道下展開,然後是一串串的甜蜜歷程,最後當然有一個個完美的結局。

真的,每個都完美,但有著不同。

那我又當然不會一五一十的告訴任何一個人,我有這想像;畢竟,這都是幼稚無稽的,說出來會給人家笑的。

然而在現實中,卻有這樣的人。

昨日,我在公園旁的一家咖啡店看書,聽到兩個女人的對話:

「你一星期來這裡三四次,每次兩小時,你來這裡渡假嗎?」女侍應問。
「啊,不是,本地人啦。不過,最近有假期,想出來走走,看看能否找到個完美的男人(Perfect Man)。這個公園,夠浪漫吧。」女人答。

之後,女侍應,露出一個古怪的笑容,瞪大了眼,四處張望,就好像想叫全店的人都出來看看那個女人;又說:「哈!你說笑嗎?由大爆炸到現場這一刻,沒有一個英國男人是完美的!」

跟著,女人就笑了起來,呻了口咖啡(應該是咖啡……)。

那時,我有一刻都要把書抬高遮住嘴臉,迴避一下,恥笑一番。

儘管公園裡似乎有著另一個時空,一切都可能完美,然而,你總有一日要走出公園,然後,驚醒;就像男人在床上說「我愛你」,都是一個謊話。

不要再見

分手後,我們不要見面。

那天,我們太小,都不懂得戀愛;重逢,只會憶及起我倆不光輝的過去,那麼,見面來幹甚麼?

況且,你當天是欠我那麼的多;而你,也不會是來還債的吧。不如意的再見,可免則免。

我也許還介意你對我的看法,雖然,有時我會想見你,看看你現在淪落成怎麼樣,但假如你比我活得好,又發現自己臉上的皺紋比你多,那怎辦?

要挽留一己的自尊,還是不要見面好。

當天我們也許愛得轟烈,回憶裡,仍瀰漫著濃郁的火藥味;今天見到你,有兒有女,忽然就一陣荒涼。你不再是從前的你了,我愛的是野性的你,不是現在一副爸爸相的你──我後悔重遇你,後悔親手把美好回憶洗掉。

又或者,真的真的,我們真的再重逢,卻發現你沒有了我的生活過分頹靡,我也許會為當天自己的無情而內疚,這樣的感覺,太不舒服了,還是不要讓我見到你。

那麼多的理由叫我不見你,我們分手後重逢的機會,大概也是少得可憐。

吻一個你不愛的人

你有沒有試過吻一個你不愛的人?

有的話,那個人一定是付出了很多很多,才換到今天你的一個吻;畢竟我們從來都只把吻留給最愛的人,那是要付出感情的。

亦當然,那個不會是濕吻,只是四唇交貼,一個乾吻罷了。

而這個吻的溫度,亦勝過濕度。

在這一吻,你感到了他的體溫,那發燙的嘴唇,就似乎是為你而燃燒的。

這個吻也是感性的。

在黑暗中,你的唇吻到了他的悲哀,吻到了他的淚水。那麼,你就希望吻走他的脆弱。

一切的,都說在這個吻裡頭;千言萬語,不用了。你吻得他語重心長。

可是,這個吻同時是卑微的、委屈的。

起初,是他愛你愛得要乞求了,於是你就於心不忍吻他一吻。然而,你卻在這個吻之後嘗到了他的苦。

那時,你心頭泛起一陣惻隱,問問自己究竟還有沒有愛能分點到他身上。

原來,會喚起自己憐憫之心的,竟然是一個源自一個你不愛的人的吻。